“It has definitely taken me on that journey.”
I have alway always felt painfully different from everyone and it started at a very early age. I think a big part of it was actually because my mom is schizophrenic and I grew up in the South, in a place where your mom being part of a certain social circle was a big deal and she kind of transcended that social circle in a way. Because of her family she should have been a main part of it but because of her illness she was definitely cast out among the women of this set. That being said the girls of my age group who I would have grown up were not as social with me, did not take to me as much. By the time I was 15 it was just me and my dad because my mom had been committed. And that was a whole different thing as well for a young woman to be raised by her dad at the time was definitely out of the norm.
So I always learn to do my own thing and kind of embrace having an eccentric family. It has also been apparent in a lot of my relationships , it’s still hard, being painfully different and seeing the world through those eyes. I don’t assimilate well to the group, it’s very hard for me to recognize other people who I can identify with and be part of.
I went to school for directing so I have been pursuing writing and directing for some time. A lot of my stories are based on the loaner, female loaner mostly as well, and usually somebody who is more in touch with their own sense of sexuality. So it has definitely taken me on that journey which I would have never thought I would be living in Los Angeles, living this life, pursuing that career and writing these type of stories about cast outs in particular.
My favorite stuffed animal, his name is Red Nose. My dad named him and he is a little pig with a yarn red nose, it is made out of yarn. Right now he still lives at my dads house and he’s been with me through thick and thin. I’ve cried on that animal. My dad made a Facebook page for him one day and he put him in all these weird different positions doing all these different activity. One was, at my dads house I have a poster bed and he put red nose on the poster bed like he was pole dancing. And that was hilarious. And he was missing an eyeball for a long time and I finally made him a new eyeball, so now he has both eyes back.
He was a protector you can always confide in and you knew all your secrets for safe. They’re kind of a shield against you when you’re sleeping. I do think they watch over you and they listen to you, definitely. And I still feel that connection when I see him. My heart just kind of wells up. There he is, there’s home. I still put my nose into his little yarn nose.