“I’ve talked to a lot of people who really needed help”
I went to school up in Berkeley. It’s a school that has a reputation for being crazy and unique and liberal minded in a lot of ways. Although I loved going to school there, in someways, what I realize is that I was even more different than everyone there, not in the sense that I was better, in a sense that I couldn’t find people that were similar to me.
I guess recently more than ever, I felt a little bit of a stigma. I never really realized that this was part of the problem but in the last year I have been having a lot of mental health issues for various reasons. I didn’t realize before all this happened to me, that having gone to the hospital for care, was something to be ashamed of. When people ask me where I’ve been I would just tell them. Then people thought this was really weird. They would say, “ why are you telling me, is it really how they say it is in the movies?” It really is, actually. It’s very bizarre. The diagnosis they gave me was a pretty severe one, borderline personality disorder. Some people say that’s something you don’t really get better from, more that it goes away with age, which doesn’t seem like a positive prognosis.
I managed to pull myself together and part of how I did that was by befriending people at the loony bin and they became my best friends. And I’m living at one of their places now and rather than have to worry about whether or not I’m supposed to say things to people or if people will judge me for being mentally ill or something, being with people that have had the same experience was pretty good. Contrary to what a lot of people thought or believed I graduated perfectly fine with honors and finished my thesis and I won a Fulbright. So I’m leaving for Belgium in August. I guess part of the reason why i’m interested in history is also because of the way I dress. It’s a Japanese street style. I’ve been wearing it for the last seven or eight years. A lot of people think this is pretty weird too. When I studied in France and everything for a while, everybody thought it was really weird. But I like that kind of history. The colors and patterns are updated to have a very modern look but the silhouettes and the ideas of the bodice are very Victorian. I guess the historian in me really likes that. Talking to people who are interested in the same kinds of fashion or the same kinds of cultures that I was, really helped me get through the days I guess.
I have a Basset Hound stuffed animal. Basset Hounds are my favorite animal ever. They have a really sad droopy long-eared look and I guess you can’t help but to want to take care of them or nurture them. More than that I think they remind me that no matter how funny you may look or no matter how sad you might be in the moment you can actually, I suppose be very happy about it. Just because your face might not show it, your emotions are complex with a medley of thoughts and processes that might not be so easy to read. And that makes perfect sense to me.
Most people don’t realize that I have any problems. I function like a perfectly normal person. I think it’s made me care a lot about people and look beneath the surface of people’s regular experiences. Part of what my illness does to me is that i’m very bad at having a filter and maybe not as good at social conventions as most people are. Because of this I worried that I would bother people or offend people. But what I’ve mostly learned is that, thanks to being able to talk to people uninhibitedly, I’ve talked to a lot of people who really needed help in certain moments and felt they could talk to me because I was so open about things.